Hello my beautiful daughters let me fill you in on the shite your father got up to over the Christmas break
Firstly he delved into the back of the shed to resuscitate the sparse Christmas tree that I seem to recall last year saying I wasn’t going to put up this year, well you guessed it, I failed as you have probably seen the tree has made yet another appearance. I am guessing the only way I am going to move that mother along is to dispose of it.
I asked your father to hose that jolly tree down, he gave me a sideways look, I swear I heard a grumble, but he dutifully hosed said tree, he knew his life depended on it.
He assisted the boys (your partners) in decorating the bannister, then after seeing the grand job they did once you had all left me and retreated to your own homes, my failings became apparent on giving explicit instructions to the men in the house, my fault not theirs.
I secretly re decorated the bannister and you know what I don’t think anyone noticed
A week or so later on Christmas Eve to be exact your father offered to come help with the least minute shopping, regrets all round, let’s leave it at that. He is such a grumpy snappy impatient old man. I don’t think he’s alone either judging by the sad faces and folded arms scattered throughout the shopping centre. the only smiles you saw were when they were making a run for the car park hightailing out of there, their partner’s scrambling behind to keep up.
Your father then proceeded to open his mouth and words tumbled out that went something like this
‘Is there was any last minute household chores you want me to do’.
‘Yes please finish cleaning the outside windows’.
Comes in beaming job done
I said, ‘Well how about removing the cobwebs then’.
‘It’ll be dark and no one will notice’.
‘But I will ‘.
He dutifully does the deed
Come boxing day clearly your fathers bored
Spends the afternoon in the shed while I had an hour and a half nana nap, (it was all that redecorating I did) your father proudly produced a lid for the cat bowl.
Declaring he has passed the test for entrance into the men’s shed.
‘No feral cat will be able to pinch our cats biscuits again’, he declared triumphantly.
A lid with a handle and screws underneath so they can’t push it of the bowl, as that is what the feral cats were doing before, while (your) our cats sat patiently watching them, cowering behind the chairs.
Well I have to report not quite two weeks later the feral cats who are clearly smarter than the average bear, figured out how to bypass the screws and push the lid over, so your father has now cut the board even smaller so the lid fits inside the bowl. Just as well the lid has a handle as things could get ugly.
Oh and yes I have suggested that dad paints the lid white, once again he looked at me sideways. I couldn’t face posting a coloured photo as trust me it might be an ingenious invention but it’s butt ugly.
That’s our Pleasantville done and dusted for another holiday season.